While I was traveling through Eastern Europe this summer, I learned something about myself (which I’m pretty sure most of you already knew): I usually “out” myself as polyamorous within about half an hour of meeting a person. I don’t know exactly how it happens, but somehow, someway, I quietly announce that I’m a ho and fall in love easily. It’s this thing I do. Shocking, I know.
I noticed something else. Generally, say, seventy five percent of the time, I would get a reaction of surprise mixed with awe and a touch respect. “Really? Wow, how do you do that? I never could. That’s amazing. Ooooooh…” I think one person even remarked it was a better way to live, or some other similar, naive statement. And my reaction was always “Oh, god, please, no. It’s not better. Please don’t think it’s better. It’s just different. It’s what I do, but trust me, it’s no better than what anyone else does in this crazy world of love and lust and desire.”
I register this around me in general—as more people dip into relationship experimentation, there is a trend towards seeing one relationship style as “enlightened” or as a "better way" of living, or as the “future of humanity.” And I’m here to tell you, quite frankly, that it’s just not. Don’t believe the hype. This relationship model is HARD. And painful. And confusing. And wonderful. And utterly crazy. (Oh, wait, that sounds like all relationships, doesn’t it?)
I once heard someone say they felt defeated by polyamory. As in they tried it, thinking there were oh-so-liberal minded, so forward and advanced, and found that they just couldn’t do it. Weren’t made for it, weren’t ready for it, thought it was too painful, whatever. The point is, they felt they fell short of where they wanted to be on the scale of more open-minded-and-liberal-than-the-next-person, because they couldn’t DO poly.
Bullshit. I reiterate—polyamory is no more human, or intelligent, or advanced that any other relationship model there is. It’s not better than monogamy. It’s just different.
I will say that my choice to identify as poly forces me to enact what I consider to be enlightened practices, i.e. communication, radical honesty, self-love, self-reliance, asking for what I want, functional inter-dependency, and many many more, but these practices are just as enlightened and frankly, awesome, no matter what relationship model you choose to follow. (And trust me, just becuase someone identifies themselves as poly, doesn't mean they always enact these practices. Hell, I don't always do it. I wish I did!)
I should qualify myself-- don’t let my attitudes toward monogamy confuse you in person. If you ever hear me talking about monogamy, you will hear me discussing it with a degree of amused disgust. I don’t even like SAYING the word. It’s ugly to me. (Monooogamy… manuugam… manaahh… ick) But that’s the point—it’s ugly to ME. It’s like my relationship to olives. I think they’re gross and disgusting and sour and ugh, people even put them in drinks?! What are they thinking? But I do realize that olives are a perfectly viable, healthy, yummy food product to someone (namely, my husband, Shoghi). Just not to me. I don’t like them. Nevermind that Shoghi thinks it’s quite disgusting when I eat cream cheese in spoonfulls straight out of the plastic tub. He wouldn’t eat it, but no matter what, it’s still food. And like food, there are definitely relationship models that are downright unhealthy, such as the “I want to play and be poly, but you aren’t allowed to, even though you want to, because I’ll get too jealous.” Yeah, not so much. They may both be food, but there is a vast nutritional difference between a twinkie and a bell pepper.
Regardless, the point is that relationship models are personal choices that a person, or persons, make after honest introspection and experimentation. I don’t like it when people tell me, with a sense of shame or disappointment or resentment, that they tried poly and failed. There is no failing. That's just as bad as "failing" monogamy. Dude, you’re great, you tried something new, and it didn’t work out. Go you! You know something about yourself! Now, go try something else. Keep trying until you find what makes you genuinely, deeply happy.
I have no disdain for the relationship choices anyone makes. I do have pity though (and sometimes disdain), for those who make relationship choices based on what they think others want them to do, or based on what’s “cool” or “enlightened” or “societally acceptable.” Because, in the end, none of our relationship models really fit any of those adjectives. Whichever we choose, we all fall in love, break hearts, get confused, get hurt, hurt others, miscommunicate, make up, feel bliss, and do the same damned rigmarole over and over again. We love it, we love each other, and (I think) we all just want to be loved. In the end, it’s why we do any kind of relationship at all. The point is to do what YOU honestly want, communicate that to others, and find happiness within that. And that, I hope, is what the “enlightened” way to live really is. Cause that’s what I’m trying to do. Right. Now.
A few questions for writing material:
ReplyDelete1.
I have friends and relatives who are one or more of: gay, kinky, polyamorous, transexual. Their sexual or relationship interests usually do not become apparent until long after they've met someone, unless they are in a context that makes it obvious (the gay man is out on a date with his husband, for example, or the woman is at a kink-themed bar). So it strikes me as odd that you would "out" yourself so early in your social interactions.
Perhaps it's something you push forward because you are proud of it, or you believe it makes you more interesting. If so, wouldn't that behavior belie your attitude expressed here, and be evidence that you think being poly is objective grounds for appreciation or awe? How else does it come out, without you choosing to broadcast it?
Same with your visceral disgust for monogamy. You can't claim to be perfectly egalitarian about the choices of others, and utterly repulsed by them at the same time, can you? How does it play out in your head? What repulses you that much about monogamy?
2.
Kinsey data on the number of people who declare themselves "poly" shows the number expands until about the age of 30, and then contracts sharply from then on. Why do you suppose this is so? What might it say about the motivations of the polyamorous?
Hey! Thank you for taking time to read and respond! That all does give me writing fodder, and most of it I'd rather use as such, and thus, don't want to respond here. I'd still like to answer your questions though, if I can, privately in an email?
ReplyDeleteExcept for one, about my disgust towards monogamy. That is a reaction to the thought of doing it myself, not to the concept of it in general, nor towards the concept of anyone else doing it. That's why I compared it to eating food--I may not want to eat something, but if you want to eat it, I will happily support you, as long as it's relatively healthy and makes you happy. And yes, I've tried monogamy. It doesn't make sense for my behavior patterns and desires.
I'd be honored to receive a reply! You could always use the messaging system in Livejournal or leave me a comment there.
ReplyDeleteHey, BouncyWee love to talk with you if you're ever in NYC. I out myself as a poly also and I get a lot of rejection. Well, not only because of that, of course.
ReplyDeleteUn abrazo hermana. Jorge